Болшо Будет my ass!

2004-11-20 | 11:18 p.m.

Perhaps what I perceived as reconciliation in full was in fact a cunning cover for unprecedented coldness. Perhaps I am being paranoid. Either way, the pinnacle of this week was reached not ten minutes ago with a vodka tonic. Granted, Wyborowa requires no accompanying tonic, but the zest was appreciated. It is now that I stare at my radio-endowed Buddha and wonder how exactly to find some sort of comfort.
I had almost encountered such comfort on the admittedly lonely walk home from the train; it's interesting to me that though I crave human contact so, it's only when I am in complete isolation when I am comforted by the crushing loneliness I feel. The panoramic joys of mid-winter are also comforting, though the first snow has not come to prevent such a vista.
Enough idioti angst-imagery, though. In all honesty the only thing entirely detached from negativity this week has, in fact, been alcohol in all its iterations. Assuredly, I have not been getting at all intoxicated, but in a true show of dependency, I have found that a bit in the beginning or the end of the day has been my only way of coping with what has been the worst week, on all fronts, of my year. Granted, it's only a quarter of the way in, but I can't see anything topping this in sheer negativity; such an event would have to be bad on an astronomical scale.
A major part of this has been my continuous relegation to second or third-rate human being, but that is a story for another time. I am entirely devoid of good intentions or positive things to say at this point, so let me just label this weekend as "November 19-21: 'Absolutely No Redeeming Qualities' Weekend." That may begin to capture the frustration.

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