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2006-05-21 | 11:28 p.m.

I'd love to say that a year of college has given me some real perspective on life, some real wisdom; that I can more easily take things in stride, that I've grown as a person. But the fact of the matter, all those flaws are there, like a festering wound. But interestingly enough, a year of college, of not-horribly-deep new friendships, of disappointments and of long periods of seemingly fruitless work, has infused me with two things. First, there's this heightened ability to predict/analyze my own behavior. The near-useless ability to know what course of action you are probably going to take in a situation, or to go back on it and dissect your reasoning process, really isn't something I need; but when that self-deprecating introspection sets in, it proves invaluable to leaving me feeling a little more mediocre; but honestly, that's of no concern to me; it's a vague fear of mine that with all this new-found free time, I'll soon find myself with nothing to do, and the ridiculous/idiotic self-analysis sessions will set in . More importantly, I've developed indifference; a sort of sublime apathy. It's manifested itself in a few interesting ways, to be sure.

[EDIT: INCONSEQUENTIAL AND LARGELY IDIOTIC BLATHERING REMOVED]

This whole thing has lost focus, so I will cease shortly; I don't even remember what I started talking about, but it's interesting, this emotional vacuum I seem to be in right now. I'll have fleeting moments where I encounter a swirling mix of great joy and horrible depression, but those have been few and far between. It's mostly been rather mechanical, to be honest.

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